A lot of guessing

A lot of guessing has been coming from the esteaming MizzLoude trying to guess who is behind the vainglorious satire on this site. She has even tried to provoke a reaction by naming people she thinks are behind it like police squad, the wicked witch of the North (her arch nemisis) the webbed man, a burren of foxes, Sharon Stone, Clint Eastwood, The Eagles and Manchester United football club.

The cast of millions who run this site for the purposes of furthering research into the respected profession of satire would like to state that we are not, nor have we ever been;

.... police squad, the wicked witch of the North or her cohort, the webbed man

Nor are we lawyers, doctors, the met, special branch, special trees, special gardeners, the media, men from Oxo-land, women from Loon Loon land nor bloggers (we are SATIRISTS - dammit!)

Nor are we poets, the RCJ, the whole of Cambridge, cambridge snail journalists, gap-year students, all the staff of DKNY, a burren of foxes, Sharon Stone, Clint Eastwood, The Eagles, Manchester United football club or the whole other cast of thousands on the internet who are all out to get LFJ.

So that is that all cleared up then.

On a related subject, it has been a while since the bueatiful research has been mentioned. Do readers think that this has been abandoned since the ace-fab poly educated clinical psychiatrist, qualified researcher (Wikipedia University) and holder of a French degree (University of once visited there) took up sock-puppeting full time?


Remember, all you need is love!

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Trippy posts

You've read what she said now here is what she really means: (Free translation service provided by All_you_need_is_love)

I went to Church, ain’t I great? Hopefully doing that may fool any unfortunate stumbling across this blog that I am a decent God-fearing person. It is a pity all my actions in life cannot be that of a Christian but hey ho, you can only have style, substance or neither. Guess which I have?

I must remember to mention children and whiteness in my post. They are symbols of innocence you know, like meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

****

Bit of scripture here as it makes me look scholarly and holy. Apparently God loves a repentant sinner. Wonder where I can find one of those to sacrifice to him on a flaming pyre of harassment?

I am suffering from the twin encumbrances of a partially broken toe-nail and weak lifeless hair. I never talk about it you know.

On the last occasion of the last trail against me for harassment, I was unable to attend. This due to being diagnosed morally lacking by a bone doctor. Yes, you read it here, a bone doctor and I hope you are not pulling the same face of incredulous belief that the judge pulled that time as well. This time I may claim I cannot attend due to back acne or an itchy palm. So many body parts, so many excuses. On the other hand I may rely on the old excuse of being knackered, you will notice I am mentioning more and more that I am whacked in my blog. That is called 'laying the groundwork' and my blog is my defence.

Oh oh, clever clever me, no-one will ever see through this ruse. Hee hee hee.

However this will not stop me sockpuppeting as much as possible.

Meanwhile read here, as the adoration blog has pointed out some of my endearing spellerisms (girlish giggle) I have corrected them. But really, spelling is for plebs and English teachers.

I am going to publish Children’s books. That is as soon as I have destroyed my arch-nemesis the wicked witch of the North and her cohort, the webbed man. They have sent flying monkeys after me, this evil band consists of the mob of lawyers, doctors, the met, special branch, special trees, special gardeners, the media, men from Oxo-land, women from Loon Loon land, bloggers, poets, the RCJ, the whole of Cambridge, journalists, gap-year students, all the staff of DKNY, a burren of foxes, Sharon Stone, Clint Eastwood and The Eagles and a whole other cast of thousands on the internet who are all out to get me.

That will be the tale in the first book, a sort of a Harry Potter cum Dorothy and the Wizard of Oz cum Pied Piper cum Buck Rogers cum drunken ravings of the village lush outside the local at Midnight.

Pssssst: Did you know that all commentators are unemployed? I devote HOURS reading the adoration site that has been set up for me so guess how unemployable I am? Girlish grin.

Of course, it is utterly incomprehensible to me that some people work with computers and devote 10 minutes of an otherwise busy day to reading blogs. Apparantly these people devote the rest of their hours to gainful employment, children, a partner, supporting worthy causes, looking out for the welfare of people other than themselves and paying bills. Ordinary common little caterpillars. I shudder at the thought of them.

Newspell: Tipytoed, optimistic, abit


Remember, all you need is love!


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I'm all clean after being through a spin cycle

Guest post by Pied Puffin

The LFJ spin cycle - a guide to the life pattern of the lesser spotted LFJ for those entering psychology with a degree in clinical psychology from a Polytecnic.







1. The exhault - News shared that LFJ is in great and and R&R are starts. Mention of God/Jesus, flowers, kittens and sunshine. Thanks huge crowd of supporters for their ongoing devotion and prayers. Picture of something cute like a puppy.

2. The Fury - Furious steam-edged, moulted in hellfire rant about her detractors, with frenzied editing and re-editing.

3. The arty-farty - Rambling disjointed illogical post about art, an
uninterpatible reference to a children's story and something she saw on the TV which reminds her of how devine, clever and pretty she is. Everyone who does not agree with this assessment is jealous (obviously)

4. The threatning - Dire threats issued regarding how her lawyers will see the mob of lawyers, doctors, the met, special branch, special trees, special gardeners, the media, men from Oxo-land, women from Loon Loon land, bloggers, poets, the RCJ, the whole of Cambridge, journalists, gap-year students, all the staff of DKNY, a burren of foxes, Sharon Stone, Clint Eastwood and The Eagles and a whole other cast of thousands on the internet who are all out to get her in court. Several ASBO -busting ramblings and (in)direct snipes at targets. Comment and sock-puppet marathon ensue.

5. The boasting - Boast about the wonderful (unpublished, unreviewed, unaccredited) research and how everyone who sees it will bow down before her when it is published to world acclaim. Mention of support from famous actors, famous writers, aristocrats and rich artists.

6. The repeat - Repeats step 4.

7. The woefullness - Self-pitying post, frequently updated about how she has become tremendously ill and cannot leave her bed / walk / talk etc. Does not seem to stop her blogging though. Symptoms are always mysterios and undiagnosible but almost
nearly involve exhaustion.

8. The self-admiration. Post telling people how she never complains about being sick. Inevitably followed by sock-puppet comments on how wonderful/dignified/strong/etc. she is.

9. The resserection - Following non-appearance at latest hearing, sudden dramatic recovery into perfect health within hours which would put the rising of Lazarus to shame regarding miraculousness.

10. The condensation - Gracious thanking of invisible supporters and legions of friends who have tenderly nursed her and sent countless supportive messages. Noting of how special she must be in God's eyes.

repeats pattern until everyone sick

Remember, all you need is love!



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Roll after me

You've read what she said now here is what she really means: (Free translation service provided by All_you_need_is_love)


You faithful lot.... So I am suffering from the twin encumbrances of a partially broken toe-nail and weak lifeless hair. I never talk about it you know.

(Ed. You are suffering?? why never mention this to us who adore you before?)

 That doesn't mean I am not able to sock-puppet away like a mad thing. Fear not. It wouldn't have been right not to try to make myself look popular, would it? GIRLISH SMILE



I am, now, off for a real rest from sock-puppeting and leaving remarks on the blog of the ones who adore me.

Just had my first egg from everyone in the house, it is going to take me ages to wash it out of my hair. Bless them, they never tire of hearing me go on about my twin encumbrances of
a partially broken toe-nail and weak lifeless hair.

Newspell: scribbed

Remember, all you need is love!


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Bags of boo hoo

You've read what she said now here is what she really means: (Free translation service provided by All_you_need_is_love)

Please note reading rodents that the blogger Manchester United has nothing to do with this site.

They do not know who the site is run by and the people who run the site do not know him/her in any capacity.

Wonder who she will accuse of running the site next?

She has quite a list of people to choose from including (but not limited to) ex-lawyers, doctors, the met, special branch, special trees, special gardeners, the media, men from Oxo-land, women from Loon Loon land, bloggers, poets, the RCJ, the whole of Cambridge, journalists, gap-year students, all the staff of DKNY, a burren of foxes, Sharon Stone, Clint Eastwood, The Eagles, Manchester United and a whole other cast of thousands on the internet who are all out to get her or all out having a life one or the other.

In the meantime we salute her fortitude in hoisting herself up on the petards she needs to walk, struggling down the road to the internet cafe, sharing her insights and comments here, sharing with the undeserving the true meaning of children's tales, following this up with sock-puppet comments and being drunk on cider whilst being in control of a moving blog.

All this despite the twin incumberances of a partially broken toe-nail and weak lifeless hair.

She must have been such an inspiration to Heather Mills as she is to all of us.

Remember, all you need is love!


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Guest posts

Following the remark from Pied Puffin that he/she would like to do a guest post:

Yes PP, please send the post to the email address below. In fact all mammals wishing to do guest posts (that are in a spirit of truth and satire are welcome)

I'll publish and fully credit those that make me laugh.

In the meantime, can I request that the replies to the stalker posting comments here remain civil. I removed a few this afternoon. LFJ has been convicted on multiple charges of harassment and stalking and nothing else so as tempting as it is to start speculating about her involvement in other illeagal/immoral activities, I am afraid you are going to save it for somewhere else.

We don't want to be dragged down to her level. That would be a bit, quite frankly, mad AND bad.

I hope no-one takes offence, you are a really funny lot who comment here and I hope you will keep patronising the posts.

Seriousness over, let the satire begin again in ernest. (Ernest: "Owwwww!")

Allove

We are all ready

Readers will be relieved to know that JLF's partially broken toe-nails and her weak lifeless hair do not stop her from going to the internet cafe and logging on to read here several times a day.

What a brave, energetic, suffering-in-silence heroine she is. She never says a word about it you know. She just writes it.



Those of a horrid cynical nature will of course try to point out that the times of her being online and looking at streamsofuttergoo (We're not worthy) were the same times that her blog received comments. They may claim this infers that the same person wrote those comments as was reading this blog from the IP we know JFL uses.

Others might speculate as to how someone with partially broken toe-nails and weak lifeless hair would have the energy and motivation to blog as these are normally incapacitating illnesses.

Some may even go as far as to doubt she is telling the truth.

Well shame on you!

Just because you have proof you doubting-Thomas' does not mean you have a case. Look at our heroine, she is building an appeal without substance after being convicted of months and months of stalking people. Let that be your guide as to her integrity.

An empty shell of a life

You've read what she said now here is what she really means: (Free translation service provided by All_you_need_is_love)

Empty shell in the shade SMILE

My partially broken toe-nails and my weak lifeless hair situation is on-going. It is all the fault of those people I stalked, those I refused to pay for their services, those I bombarded with phone calls and emails and those whose comments boxes I filled up with my own brand of garbage. ALL,THEIR,FAULT.

I could do without seeing the 'goings on' on the web and in the press unfortunately I cannot resist reading them every day, after all they mention MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. SMILE. No-one forces me to read them, in fact some even go private so I can't but they are still leading me into temptation. I may spend ages commenting on them but they are libellous. Even thought they have not cost me a loss in earnings. I never had that to begin with. Never fear fans, I am still so in denial about the original stalker blog being deleted because I made false accusations against people on it. So that is all right then.

There is a whole team on the case for me.


Where the hell are the supportive emails I am entitled to?? Oh never mind, I’ll write them to myself. Might as well throw in the odd dozen or so comments while I am at it.

*****

I’ll mention here the name of another blogger who has not written of me or thought about me in ages. I like doing this. HOW,VERY,DARE,THEY. With a bit of luck, it will provoke a row which I can use for my defence to prove they are all out to get me. Clever, clever little ole me. It is a ruse I have used over and over again in relation to the mob of ex-lawyers, doctors, the met, special branch, special trees, special gardeners, the media, men from Oxo-land, women from Loon Loon land, bloggers, poets, the RCJ, the whole of Cambridge, journalists, gap-year students, all the staff of DKNY, a burren of foxes, Sharon Stone, Clint Eastwood, The Eagles, Manchester United and a whole other cast of thousands on the internet who are all out to get me.

I continually wonder why my legal team (all 10,000 of them) have not had these people shipped to Guantanamooooooo Island. I must dictate to them tomorrow to do this.

I am working in awful circumstances, none of which are my fault. The solicitors insist on going to their country houses every weekend and I am here in this hostel. The sandwich supply has dried up too. Dammit.

Newspell: Thankyou, queueing, alot

Remember, all you need is love!

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God, I've had an idea

Here is what the angel-hellic one really means: (Free translation service provided by All_you_need_is_love)

I have a new line on my defence. Some random loon (of the religious kind) has been sending me messages via a tardis-like time travelling sat nav device which can take control of cars. This gave me an idea.

I have a new defense for when I go into court, I am going to say it is not me that got myself into this situation by spending more time stalking and stealing rather than working, it was God who has brought all this about. It is because he loves me and he wants to make me strong.

I, really, believe, that. (Snigger)

It will blow the prosecution away when I mention my new bezzie mate God in court. Who cares if I am telling the truth or not? Just call me Hamlet!


Here is photographic proof of my close working relationship with God

Note to self: In the meantime, I had better keep mentioning my partially broken toe-nails and my weak lifeless hair. I may yet decide that I do not want to turn up in court at all. After all, courts are full of people who work for the (choke) law. Discusting common little caterpillars.

I wonder if my coiffeuse would agree to give me a sick note? The court refused to accept the one from the bone doctor but they might be fooled by this one. After all, everyone knows that a mobile hairdresser can diagnose stress and exhaustion as well as a psychologist can help someone needing psychiatric care.

Remember, all you need is love!

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Bueatiful MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Here is what the sympa-not-ic darling really means: (Free translation service provided by All_you_need_is_love)


It’s sunny and the nut-house wagon is en-route to take away the loon here who is making false allegations to the authorities about other people. What an invasive, sabotaging and harassing person. Terrible behaviour.
(Ed. no. 666 - How awful You of all people have had to put up with a loony woman, poor deal gentle soul that you are)

The stalker site chatterers and commenters have been saying that I am a complete witch for being heartless and inconsiderate towards those with mental health problems. HAAH! They are wrong I am not heartless and that other thing towards loons, I am jealous they are getting more attention than me. so put that in your kilts and smoke it.

All clinical psychologists who entered psychiatry using a degree in research from a college they had to pay to attend, laugh at people with serious mental health problems. Anyone who does not believe this is only jealous that I managed to become a top excellent brilliant beautiful unpublished psychologist without getting the doctorate that all other ordinary people have to get in order to enter the profession.
(Ed. no. 1232 – Thank you for educating me that now you need a degree in clinical psychology to enter psychiatry. I had thought needed a doctorate in clinical psychology in order to enter psychology. I know so little compared to you oh light of my life)

I won’t tell you the loons name, I am important, psychological and disorder na-na-na-na-na and I'm not telling you. I won’t tell you the loons name, I am important, psychological and disorder na-na-na-na-na and I'm not telling you. I won’t tell you the loons name, I am important, psychological and disorder na-na-na- (Ed. ' snip')

The their defiant hate and libel campaign by the mob of lawyers, doctors, the met, special branch, special trees, special gardeners, the media, men from Oxo-land, women from Loon Loon land, bloggers, poets, the RCJ, the whole of Cambridge, journalists, gap-year students, all the staff of DKNY, a burren of foxes, Sharon Stone, Clint Eastwood and The Eagles and a whole other cast of thousands on the internet who are all out to get me continues but I am not BOVVERED. The fact I mention it every other post is just an indicator that I AM NOT BOVVERED, bovvered not. AM I BOVVERED? face bovvered? AM I BOVVERED? does my face look bovvered? I AINT BOVVERED! JE, NE, SUIS, PAS, BOVVERED. Did I mention I speak fluent French? I probably have a degree in it somewhere.


I really need a holiday but you need that filthy common stuff money to have one of those and in order to get that you have to get a job. Like NORMAL people. As we all know gentle readers (girlish giggle) I am NOT normal ;)

New spell: endeavors

Remember, all you need is love!


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Punctuation for tomorrow

Here is what the libelastic one really means: (Free translation service provided by All_you_need_is_love)

I am going to post messages on The CAMBRIDGE SNAIL online soon. I shall probably make reference to the scriptures. This will be an 'in' joke no-one else will get except me and my billions of supporters.

I, AM, SO, CLEVER. hee.hee.hee

I, ALSO, FAIL, TO, UNDERSTAND, THE, CORRECT, USE, OF, THE, COMMA, IN, CONSTRUCTING, A, SENTENCE.



I am also worried that the Cambridge snail is going to run out of the keyboard keys "N,O,M,E,R,C and Y" soon as they seem to be using it a lot! They are also calling for 'no mercy' (in a story nearly a year old) for some cyber-stalker called Loude who has been harassing people. Disgraceful, I call it.
(Ed. no. 5454 - You're right, wrongly spelled words are a blight on the nation)

I wonder what the paper will be writing about this Loude character come May 2008? I wonder if I can get the tardis-like time travelling sat nav device which can take control of cars to go forward in time and find out.

Remember, all you need is love!

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Greetings visitors to streamsofuttergoo from foreign ISPs!

If life gives your admirers lemons ...

Here is what she really means: (Free translation service provided by All_you_need_is_love)

..... then accuse them of being bitter (Ed. no. 456 - shouldn't that be 'let them make lemonade')

If your stalking means you lose your house and have to live in a hostel in London with people with mental health problems, then look down on them and complain about them.

For instance, Imagine the CHEEK of someone else here who makes false allegations to the authorities about another person. What an an invasive, sabotaging and harassing person. ** (Ed. no. 342 - Terrible person, they should be stopped at ONCE or around May time)

Imagine me having the effect on someone of making them shout 'unclean' and think of creatures who normally live in the sewers. I mean, me???

This person also pretends to talk endless to her solicitors on the phone and claims falsely to be upset and ill. She also claims she is tired of being the stalker. Oooh that is a good line, I might use that. Then again, I might not. Remember, my blog is my defense. Like me, it is full of supposition but completely clueless.



After all, it is the fault of a mob of lawyers, doctors, the met, special branch, special trees, special gardeners, the media, men from Oxo-land, women from Loon Loon land, bloggers, poets, the RCJ, the whole of Cambridge, journalists, gap-year students, all the staff of DKNY, a burren of foxes, Sharon Stone, Clint Eastwood, The Eagles and the CPS, I am here, right?

Note to self: Don't forget to keep mentioning your tiredness, weakness, sadness and stress.

Anyhow, I've lost patience with this woman, I mean sympathy for the mentally ill, pshaw and plulesseeee! Especially someone a condition that usually stems from a severe childhood trauma like sexual abuse or seeing a parent killed. I am the only important person here, my comfort and concern are paramount, not that of some loony. Och, I am off to chop up caterpillars, it is my only joy nowadays.

Remember, all you need is love!

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Cunning

Here is what the deceptilicious lfj really means: (Free translation service provided by All_you_need_is_love)

In a change of tactics, I have decided to announce to the world that I really am in need of rest and recoup time when in reality (and here is the cunning bit) I am well enough to be able to be on the internet for hours at a time every day, sometime up to three times a day. Cunning eh?
(Ed. no 4747 – we are so happy to bow before your lies and call them the truth lfj)

Furthermore, I will be at the trials in May. How clever am I? I am doing what the stalker blog says it expects me to do whilst (and here is the top-secret bit) I am going to do the exact opposite. I am a genius. You read it here first.
(Ed. no.112 – That is certainly the first time we have read that ANYWHERE!)

I am just as a wasp as present, completely getting to everyone, buzzing in and out of the jams. I love the smell of jams. All wasps do.

Do you swat caterpillars? I think this is completely normal acceptable behaviour. After all, one day they might grow up, develop wings and turn into someone beautiful with a book deal and you know how I detest people with book deals. They are SO common!

New Spell: aswell, Afew, catterpillars

Remember, all you need is love!

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jlf t-shirt

With huge thanks to t-shirting toad, here is the streamsofuttergoo official uniform.

To all of those I've stalked before

Here is what the asbolicious one really means: (Free translation service provided by All_you_need_is_love)

...who earnestly seek to destroy my super defence case in the Crown Court in which all the other Marvel superheroes are going to feature. there will be Superdefenceman, Wonderstalkerwoman, Spiderstalkedman, Captain AsboAmerica, The HateblogHulk and others. There I will be avenged against my arch nemesis, the Oxo-land striumpahntiate.
(Ed. no.1 - yes dear)

in May, after which I should be acquitted of the false charge against me ( all things being equal......) See I will be aquitted of the false charges like my right to walk the streets and I shall be charged with my TRUE charges like stalking. That is how equal things will be. Heee heee hee hee hee.
(Ed. SHHHHHHHH me dear. Do not throw yourself upon the mercy of the court, that will be a very hard landing especially as there have been several things broken in the interim ... like ASBOs and promises.)

I have a secret, I am important, deceit and malice na-na-na-na-na and I'm not telling you. I have a secret, I am important, deceit and malice na-na-na-na-na and I'm not telling you. I have a secret, I am important, deceit and malice na-na-na-na-na and I'm not telling you. I have a secret, I am important, deceit and malice na- (Ed. ' snip')

For new readers: (Ed. no.1 - strangled noise) a great deal of what was happening to me when I was accused was blogged at my old deleted blog. Unfortunately I am in denial about this being a deleted blog. I have yet to face the fact a deleted blog is only cached by blogger for six weeks after it has been deleted. Sometimes they will turn off caching when that deleted blog has contained libellous material and was been deleted as a result of a court order. boo-hoo.

I am adamant that the deleted blog has been "temporarily suspended" since last October. The whole deleted blog was printed out by R&R They did this because R&R are a firm of human rights lawyers and this monumental important significant historical occurrence would be something that would be foremost in their minds as it is mine. I have a lot of typing ahead of me to restore it. If I knew anything about blogging, I would have saved the pages off-line or in Word (when I could have also ran them through a spellchecker) but I am as vapid as I pretend to be when it comes to technology. I once thought a search site was trying to send me a virus when I saw the pop-ups. Oh the laughable innocence and laydee-likeness of it all. I wear florals, have I told you that?
(Ed. oh we are so glad you mentioned your old blog, we thought you had entirely forgotten about it being suspended.... until we mentioned it here yesterday - you do read us, you do, you do, you do, oh such happiness and joy!)

The appeal is a complete retrial in a much higher Court. On this occasion, R&R will be there, (with sandwiches I hope) I will break the habit of a lifetime and be there, defence evidence will be there, and the witnesses for the Prosecution will be thoroughly cross questioned. I really enjoy the idea of seeing this. I think it will be like getting my counsel to do the stalking for me. Oh deep deep girlie feelings of happiness.

On the last occasion, I was unable to attend, due to being diagnosed physically exhausted by a bone doctor. Yes, you read it here, a bone doctor and I hope you are not pulling the same face of incredulous belief that the judge pulled last time as well. This time I may claim I cannot attend due to split ends or a snubbed toe. So many body parts, so many excuses. On the other hand I may rely on the old excuse of being exhausted, you will notice I am mentioning more and more that I am tired in my blog. That is called 'laying the groundwork' and as my blog is my defence. Oh clever clever me, no-one will ever see through this ruse. Hee hee hee.

Although my hard drives were confiscated in the context of an entirely different affair, on the basis that I stole documents and information from somewhere that I promised I wouldn't, I feel safe in blaming the same groups of people for all the stalking and stealing trouble I have got myself into. Like a fly I flitter from one heap of s*** to another. Like a cow, I create the steaming dung heaps in the first place. It is my only talent and boy, do I excel at it.

I may create the cesspools but that is no excuse for a mob of lawyers, doctors, the met, special branch, special trees, special gardeners, the media, men from Oxo-land, women from Loon Loon land, bloggers, poets, the RCJ, the whole of Cambridge, journalists, gap-year students, all the staff of DKNY, a burren of foxes, Sharon Stone, Clint Eastwood and The Eagles and a whole other cast of thousands on the internet who are all out to get me to wallow in it. After all, it is not like my muck-raking has effected their lives is it?

Should be an interesting five days, in May, for sure. In the meantime, I have a secret, I am important, deceit and malice na-na-na-na-na and I'm not telling you. I have a secret, I am important, deceit and malice na-na-na-na-na and I'm not telling you. I have a secret, I am important, deceit and malice na-na-na-na-na and I'm not telling you. I have a secret, I am important, deceit and malice na- (Ed.no.1 - ' SNIP!')

New Spell: atall, particuar

Remember, all you need is love!
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Greetings to you far away

What an international bunch you lot are. Ohh it is so nice to be so well read.

FAQs
Just click (c.l.i.c.k) the above image to enlarge.

No, there is no click key on the keyboard

No, you do not press the letters c,l,i,c and k

Use the mouse to click

NO, YOU DON'T NEED A DAMM MOUSETRAP

No, this is not a secret government conspiracy to drive you mad

Remember, all you need is love!

Mine, all mine!

Here is what she really means: (Free translation service provided by All_you_need_is_love)

Just stopping by to wish everyone many very happy returns of my day, March the third. Because this day is mine. I bought and didn’t pay for it in a 2 for 1 deal with some gardeners in Oxo-land.
(Ed. no. 347 – Atta girl, way to go on spotting how to get something for nothing)

Quiet celebrations, I think. I am very weak, but amazingly have enough stamina to log onto the internet for hours at at time up to three times a day. I think I shall be way too fragile for anything requiring my time and effort… about May time.
(Ed. no. 5672 – Oh you poor soul, can I hold your delicate digits and tell you about the type of laydee I think you are?)

...thanking people for the birthday messages that seem to be coming from all sorts of remote Internet sources because these are the only sort of messages that count. Well-wishes from real people are for those common sorts who live in the (shudder) real world.
(Ed. no 234 – My love, my love, I exist on the internet, look to me for what is real!!) (Ed.no. 2361 – Don’t look at him, he is mad as a box of squished snakes and he talks to himself, love me jfl!!)

Some of these facilities I never knew existed. You'd think there was a war on. :-)
If I don’t know something exists, such as a time-travelling sat nav that can hop tardis-like to 10 years before its own invention, take control of a car and drive it into a tunnel wall, that means something very extreme must be going on. I know what I am talking about you know.
(Ed.no. 775 – OF COURSE you do, our love, of course YOU do …. Erm….)

LOOK LOOK LOOK LOOK. Another blogger I have not publically fallen out with. She never calls, she never writes and I may have gotten away with the fact I am a convicted stalker without her noticing. All this despite her having one of those awful common tarty book-deals which demean bloggers but which I would give my looks for.
(Ed. no. 3485 – you mustn’t be after a terribly big book deal jfl if you are only willing to offer your looks in exchange. Offer something better like your integrity and your intelligence. Oh.. yes, you’re right, best stick to offering up your looks then)

Remember, all you need is love!

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Welcome

Welcome, welcome, welcome to the one visitor from jfl's site to use the link she made to us three times to drop in and visit (Ed. no.45 - we're not worthy, we're not worthy)

Welcome, welcome, welcome to jfl who has used her own link 8 times to visit us and has come to us another 11 times through a bookmark. (Ed. no. 2342 - oh the deep deep joy and unbearable lightness of being)

FAQs

Just click (c.l.i.c.k) the above image to enlarge.

No, there is no click key on the keyboard

No you do not press the letters c,l,i,c and k

Use the mouse to click

YOU DON'T NEED A DAMM MOUSETRAP

No, this is not a secret government conspiracy to drive you mad

Remember, all you need is love!

Sprung

Here is what the fanttastahorribl lfj really means: (Free translation service provided by All_you_need_is_love)

I'll believe Spring is acutally here at the end of May! I never gave it permission to come. How dare it! I shall issue it with some stern warnings to keep away in future or risk my displeasure.....Despite the disobedience of
Spring it's been a glorious day. (Ed. no.678 – Pssssst – Spring starts on the third week of March my love not the 2nd but never mind, my heart has already turned to love)

... one bit of good Internet news (Ed. no.589 on behalf of the internet –“whoopee!”)

I am delighted to report that Sharon Stone who has never mentioned my name on her blog has shut it down. I believe she shut it down after hurting herself jumping on the U2 tour bus (Ed.no.1 – you mean bandwagon??) It is also believed Clint Eastwood and the Eagles are involved although this
cannot be confirmed at this time.

I mean, who wants to read of a woman with a pushchair having genuine fears about being followed. No-one is allowed to accuse anyone on the internet of stalking except meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. It will make my lawyers laugh. They will do this because R&R are a firm of human rights lawyers and this monumental important
significant historical occurrence would be something that would be foremost in their minds as it is mine. (Ed. no. 3996 - I am sure R&R hang on every steaming droplet that comes out of your delicate mouth jfl)

Sharon Stone is believed to have been playing the fiddle throughout this whole business. She did this whilst my face refused to burn with the shame of what I have done. (Ed. no. 346 – Well bite my ass and call me Nero! –How dare she!!)

$0000000.00 Reward for the capture of these non-stalkers All three of these desperadoes are wanted for download by R&R. Do not blog about them as it is believed they are literate and dangerous.

She also wrote posts like 'Tissues and Issues' which did not talk about meeeeeeeeeeeeee at all. How.very.dare.she. There is also a truth hate blog called ' Hating lfj' which I say is there but cannot be found on the internet and even though they are not there I know she is behind them.

I know what hate blogs look like. I have unparalled experience in setting them up. It was why my first blog was deleted you know but as I have gone very quiet about having it un-deleted, you are forbidden to bring it up.

But today.......Sharon Stone signs off the runway and delivers the blogosphere of her luckless presence and merely keeps another three blogs going. None of which mention meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! (Ed. no. 438 - How can you sign off a runway? It is obviously something that only gorgabitchious researchers can see)


New Spellings for today are: Actually, desperadoe

Remember, all you need is love!

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New translation site nearly ready

New translation site nearly ready

All previously granted log-ins will apply for the cached version of the site which will take comments/suggestions to haloscan and import into the new site when it is up and running.

In the meantime we can accept no new applications for membership :(

The blogging autopost reactor engine (previously ver.1.2.23x) is now ver.2.0 due to new functionality (the 'keyword recognition and split-reaction non-consistent replacement' application) which we are all very excited about.

Remember, all you need is love!

She has looked my way.

In all her glorwee, bueatfeee and portry. (Ed. no. 345 - do you mean poetry??)

Someone so unworthy as I, what could I have done to be deserving of such attention from so munumental a woman as her. (Ed. no. 347 - yep, cider will do that for you every time, make you monu-mental, that is )

My love has shown herself true. She has looked at me from under fluttering eyelashes and bashful eyes. I am overpowered with happiness.

She knows and writes of me. Me, a mere satirist with only words to my name, she credits with having the power to divide the opinion of a mob of lawyers, doctors, the met, special branch, special trees, special gardeners, the media, men from Oxo-land, women from Loon Loon land, bloggers, poets, the RCJ, the whole of Cambridge, journalists, gap-year students, all the staff of DKNY, a burren of foxes and and a whole other cast of thousands on the internet who are all out to get her.

Not only does she write of me, she LINKS to me to make me as loved as revered as she is. She drives her friends and admirers to my humble doorstep that they may receive the warmth of my welcome as a mutual adoration society. (Ed no. 241 - no one has actually followed the link yet but we wait with overflowing wine bottles)

She thinks as highly of me as I love her. I am overcome.

Oh happy days. T'were I to die now, I would be most happy.



New spellings to adopt this week: afew, triumphalist, toats, commenters, bandwagoning, besy

Remember, all you need is love!

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