Monday, 28 July 2008

Alternative careers for hate-bloggers and stalkers (A comments poll)

Hate-blogging and stalking are okay for a few years but one can hardly make a long term career out of them especially with the credit crunch in full swing. Newspaper editors are just not willing to make spaces on their papers for talentless obsessive criminals (conviction upheld) the way they once were.

Sooner or later one (FJL) must look around, realise she has no friends, no family willing to talk to her, no house, no money and conclude it is time to leave the internet cafe, walk out into the sunshine, blink, roll one's sleeves up and forge a determination to get a job. At this point, one might have to go back into the internet cafe to access the online job sites.

But what career to follow for FJL? Well obviously the professions that call for empathy, compassion, intelligence, a good standard of written english and mental wellness are all out.

So what does that leave us with? What career could a lying, stalking, mean, hate-ful, spiteful, manipulative, aging, bitter and twisted woman do with minimum damage to herself and all those around her?

Then it struck us - she could be a professional useless evil henchman in American movies. Think about it - she would be "over there" and one more loon is not going to rattle the water in that pond. She has a liking for the word henchmen lately and the acting bit could let her project, project, project as she is so wont to do. As for the other qualifications needed for the job:

1) Acting. - well she can't lie her way out of a paper bag but it's American cinema not 'The English Patient' so check.

2)Useless. Check.

3)Evil. Check.

4)Henchman. Well she is useless doing her own dirty work so she might as well do it for someone else and see how she fares. So check.
5) The film industry as a career for an ex stalker and hate-blogger. She has a liking for the word henchmen lately and the acting bit could let her project, project, project as she is so wont to do. So check there.

She can have hours of fun reading and re-reading every review left on Amazon of her films and complaining viciously when they are not a five star. This sort of fantastic career advice has never happened before in the history of English Internet. She can intimidate happily the whole of the Internet and no one will care a bit about the mad henchman actress determined to carry her role into real life. The comments box attached to this post is reserved for actual opinions on which henchman she should be.

Henchman no.1 - MustHavaASBo

Henchman no.2 - CowPlastered

Henchman no.3 - MiniMoo

Remember, all you need is love!