Tuesday, 13 May 2008

An old bag gast'...

You've read what she said now here is what she really means: (Free translation service provided by All_you_need_is_love)
I never talk about my false accuser. Did you hear me? I NEVER talk about her. At all, ever.

I never even talk about how little I talk about her. Did you hear me? I NEVER EVER talk about her. At all, ever.


Here is me blathering on about a case I read about in the newspaper and because I once was allowed into the national archives (there is a mistake they will never repeat!) I know all about the truth of crimes just by reading about them in papers, it is a gift I have.

I can even open a box of papers faded and torn with age and construct a social history of Lonnon, erm…. Lundon…erm Londonenn…..er.. this city, out of them.
I am ace fab private detective me. Did I mention I went into Psychiatry with a degree in Clinical Psychology from a Polytecnic (sp)? Cos I did!

Did I mention how much I hate young, fit, pretty girls with all of their lives before them? I especially hate those who have book deals. You know what I think of those with profitable book deals AND good looks.

I am also an expert on the Australian police and media psyche now after reading about the country in a Travel Agent’s window. Unfortunately Going Places don’t let you try before you buy so I have to write this analysis going on what I read on a big pink and yellow poster.

Without any irony whatsoever, I think that all women who commit crimes should be charged with their crimes whether their names are Tracy or Joanne.
Or T-R-A-C-E-Y, as it is actually spelled. But as I have always said, spelling is for plebs and English teachers.

Also, without any evidence whatsoever, I have guessed-solved the mystery of what happened in the Australian desert that night. I think she has not got handcuffs on because no-one could get their hands over their head (wasn't it under her bum, that she claimed - Ed. no1) I am too old and fat to raise my arms over my head as this girl has claimed to do. Therefore no-one could do it, least of all a young, fit, pretty girl. Oh and then again, if she did have them on, her boyfriend did it. There you go, mystery solved.

If I had a boyfriend, I would not murder them in this way, oh no. Especially as most of them do not seem over-keen on getting into cars with me after we have had a few dates. Strange that.

It is so unfair that good-looking women always get away with their crimes especially (and this is the sooooo unfair bit) there is no evidence to convict them whatsoever.

Must go to the £1 shop for some make-up. Have a big appointment in a few days and I want to be good-looking for it.

Remember, all you need is love!